DATING AFTER DIVORCE

I never thought that I would be in this position. A position where I would be trying to find someone else to spend my forever with. I never thought I would be forced to start from the ground up, in trying to figure out my new dreams, goals and aspirations in life. I had a plan, but sometimes your plans don't always follow through.

I moved back home to Utah in December, once I came home, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Slowly, I had some anxiety about dating and figuring out my new life style. It was scary going from one life style and sucked into a whole new atmosphere that you weren't used to. In time, that anxiety turned into confidence and the worries turned into an unstoppable strength.

After my divorce was finalized in January, I heard thousands of comments from everyone. It was overwhelming and I honestly just wanted to run away from those who were telling me what to do. "You need to wait at least a year before dating someone serious. Only date to have fun." or "You are moving on way too fast." All of these comments were and still are hard to hear.

If I am being honest, I am dating to find my eternal companion. I'm not wanting to date around just to have a NCMO (non committed make out), one night stand, booty call or simply because I have nothing going on that night; I'm dating to find a future spouse. I know EXACTLY what I want and I'm definitely not going to settle for anything less, so you bet your bottom dollar I have "a list" of not only what I want in a guy, but what I NEED in a future spouse.

I'm not here to bash any of the guys, that I have already been on dates with, they all are amazing individuals and I'm grateful I was able to get to know them individually. But man, I forgot how hard the dating process is; it kind of drains you out.

Back track to my first real date with someone that I've had since three years ago, it was insanely weird for me. It was weird walking around with someone that wasn't your husband, let alone hold hands with them. I remember having to look around, making sure that no one knew I was on a date. It is a horrible feeling and you feel complete guilt, almost like you are cheating on your ex even though you weren't married anymore.

I have already had some very short relationships with some men and I have already experienced a toxic relationship. What's frustrating is coming out of a bad marriage and right into another toxic atmosphere. It was hard to experience ALL of the same feelings I had in my last marriage into this relationship, that was a HUGE red flag that I didn't even see coming... but we'll save that story for another blog post.

Now, y'all are probably thinking "Sienna, your divorce was only finalized in January!" I know, I get it. Within the six months of me dating, I have already experienced a toxic relationship, have been taken advantage of, emotionally cheated on, dealt with men only dating me because of my following and have been used just because a guy wanted some action. "But Sienna, shouldn't you have seen that within the first couple of dates?" Ya, probably... but some men know how to trick a girl into their wicked game and create a show just to pull you in, to the point where you are completely blind sided. I know some of you men and women out there, know what I'm talking about or have experienced it yourselves.

BUT, I have experienced some amazing and insanely creative dates with respectful, humble and selfless guys. I like to think I'm a simple person, I wasn't in the past, but even if a guy took me to Taco Bell, I would be a happy girl! I don't need a guy to buy me gifts in order for me to fall in love/like them, although gifts are kind and thoughtful, I fall in love with how they treat my family and treat others.

"How do you do it, Sienna? Do you have days where your divorce hits you in the face and you just can't get out of bed? How are you doing so well with dating?" I have gotten SEVERAL messages like this, from girls who are struggling with the side effects of divorce. Although it's heart breaking that they are experiencing the pain of divorce, I absolutely love that they feel comfortable enough to come to me for guidance and comfort.

In all honesty, I haven't had any emotional break downs about my ex-husband until three weeks ago. It was the week of what would have been our second year wedding anniversary and I completely lost it. I should've kept myself busy that whole week, but no matter what I did, I would start to cry. I was nannying some kids and old memories of J and I kept creeping into my head. I fell to the kitchen floor and cried. They were memories of us before we got married and oddly enough I started to miss him. I haven't had that feeling in a VERY long time. "That probably means you haven't gotten over him." No, that is not what it means. I know that my heart has moved on, just for that moment I missed him. I have every right feeling that way, especially when I thought we would be celebrating that together and not divorced.

They say that time heals all wounds, I have recently realized that time doesn't do anything in regards to our healing, we CHOOSE to move forward with it. We choose to continue to be frustrated or overwhelmed with our situation. If you choose to get up ever single day and tell yourself that you can overcome your obstacle, you WILL. I believe that is how I have been able to move forward and over come the side effects of divorce. So for those who are struggling with a recent break up, divorce or anything hard in your life, tell yourself RIGHT NOW; that everything is going to be okay and things will get better!

"Maybe you should take a break from dating." Honestly, maybe I should! It has been quite an interesting road and I do agree that focusing on myself and my career would be good for me. I just enjoy meeting new people and creating new friendships. I know in time, my forever companion will find me. In the mean time, I'll be wishing, searching and praying that I'll be able to recognize HIM. Whether it's finding him on a dating app, ordering a burrito, walking down main street or if I run into him at Walmart, I know I'll find him.

I know it's bound to happen, that I will experience even more awkward/fun dates and heart break. I already KNOW it. That's the process of finding true love though. Why is falling in love so terrifying? You are either going to marry the guy or end up calling it quits. It's scary to put yourself out there and then get rejected, you end up getting pushed away so much that you don't even want to try anymore. It just takes that ONE guy, who will rock your world and you will then never regret the heart ache that lead you to him. The best feeling in the whole world is watching things finally fall into place after watching them fall apart for so long.

Dating after divorce is a process- just be patient. I even need to listen to my own advice. Go on a couple of dates, after those, evaluate if you are even ready to be dating again. If not, then it's okay to feel that way! If the past is not resolved, future relationships will suffer. Let your heart heal, before you open the door to another. If you are ready, GO FOR IT. Your future is waiting out there for you, just like you are anxiously searching for them. Just because the past didn't turn out like you wanted to, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you ever imagined.

Move on and date for good; is your best decision.

love, sienna