ONE YEAR

It feels just like yesterday, that I was sitting down in the college library writing my blogpost explaining that I was recently divorced by my ex-husband. I remember the anxiety that filled my chest and the nerves that I was feeling right before I clicked "publish." I remember how amazed I was, that a simple signature, automatically meant that I was no longer married anymore. I remember the anger and guilt that I felt when my ex-husband announced he wanted to leave me. I remember.... I remember all of the emotions, pain and freedom I felt from no longer being married. I remember.

It's been exactly one year since the judge officially signed my divorce papers, stating I was officially a divorcee and single. I all of a sudden blinked and now it's been one year.

A year to the day the judge signs the papers you sit and reflect. You think about all the crying you did, all the times you consoled yourself because you knew it was going to be hard, all of the fighting and bickering about dumb things, all of the hatred you felt from your ex, how many times you thought your ex might want you back, and two days later, you remembered how much he used to love you.

My friends and family have asked me how I've been since being divorced, I explain to them that I'm fully healed and that sometimes it feels like I'm dreaming. Dreaming, because I never thought that I would be divorced, dating, living with roommates or even living in Utah again. It's like I'm waiting for someone to pinch me because it's still surreal how my life turned out to be... but, I wouldn't change it and I wouldn't want to be woken up from this "dream."

The first year after your divorce will be the hardest year of your life. That's what everyone warned me. Give yourself a year to grieve, people advised. Don't make any major life decisions for a year, others said. Take a year to discover a new you. I anticipated a tough year and tried to embrace it instead of fight it. Challenges including emotional, physical and financial surrounded me on a daily bases. The warnings of "your first year after the divorce will be the hardest year of your life" was actually completely false.

Last month, December 11, marked one year of me packing up my things and moving back home to Utah. I'm not going to lie, I cried that night, I cried because images of my old dogs and friends popped up into my mind. I miss them. I miss my students, puppy cuddles and friendships that I made in Missouri.

So instead of this year being the hardest year of my life, it is the year that I learned more about myself than any other. Did I have to start from the ground up, yes. Did I have to live with my parents for six months because I couldn't afford to live out on my own, yes. Did I end up in debt because I had no more money left in my bank account, yes. BUT... Have I became a stronger version of myself, yes. Have I had prayers answered, yes. Have I been able to support my loved ones in all that they do, yes. Have I smiled and laughed more this year, YES. Have I had amazing opportunities presented to me, yes. All of these things wouldn't have been able to happen if I didn't get a divorce and boy, I'm so glad it did happen.

The number one question I have been asked, when people find out I am divorced... "What have you learned throughout this experience?" Well, let me tell you...

YOU LOSE YOURSELF TO FIND YOURSELF

Divorce hurts. It hurts like a death. The mourning process can be long and no one should tell you how long you should mourn for. You completely loose yourself during the divorce process. You loose your sense of knowing, your self-esteem, your sense of safety, you lose your confidence, maybe even your friends or your home. You totally lose yourself, but you eventually find yourself. Eventually, you realize you actually lost yourself in your marriage, not your divorce. You realize that in your marriage you lost who YOU were. You realize you lost your own identity. Divorce allows you to find you again, the individual you were before, and it is a wonderful feeling to be "you" again. 

YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER YOUR TIME

Although initially the loneliness is isolating, eventually it becomes exhilarating. You may rediscover the joy of sleeping in until noon, or hobbies and pastimes you'd not been able to experience for awhile. You may even find new hobbies you never knew you would enjoy! The world really now is your oyster, so why not go on that trip you have been wanting to go on, go zip lining, jump out of a plane! Whatever you want to do, you now have time to do it, so take advantage of this new found free time and enjoy yourself in a way you haven't been able to in awhile!

EVERYTHING CAN BE A LESSON, EVEN WHEN PAIN IS THE TEACHER

As I wrote above, divorce hurts, but everything that happens to us in life is a lesson, even when pain is the teacher. Whatever the reason for the divorce, there are still valuable life lessons to be learned. Yes, those lessons can be very painful, but it may just be the very lesson your soul needed. You also learn that just because it's not the life you planned, it doesn't mean it is the wrong life for you. It may not be what you wanted, but it's what you needed. 

YOU BECOME STRONGER AND IT MAKES YOU WHO YOU ARE

The feeling of betrayal and disappointment will subside. Eventually you don't feel any more anger or loss, you feel at peace and harmony with life. Happiness will happen again, it will happen and when it does, you will be stronger for it. Divorce is a very personal journey, a journey that can only be defined and understood by you. But it is a journey, and a journey that is hard. But it does come with some expected benefits. Even blessings. In life, it is important to count your blessings and not your problems. Everything happens to us for a reason. Everything that happened is simply making room for a new and better experience to come into your life. The reasons may not become known for many weeks, months or several years, but one day, it will all make seems and you will even be grateful your divorced happened.

NO ONE IS PERFECT

We're human and with that the beautiful aspects that come with being human. We all breakdown. We all have moments of weakness. We all have areas to grow and improve on. Remembering this as we deal with difficult situations, whether within our family or any other relationship, is the key to understanding and working together to more forward.

ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS

Life doesn't always go according to plan and some things, unfortunately, are left out of our control. Instead of fighting it, accept it. Knowing it's all apart of God's plan for you and no matter what, you will grow from it. 

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

When you go through something traumatic, it teaches you to not fuss over the little things. It's not always easy when you're faced with an issue, but when you are aware that the situation will pass and won't affect you in an hour, a day, or even a year, you can lean not to sweat it too much.

SOMETIMES THINGS NOT WORKING OUT IS ACTUALLY THE BEST OPTION

I can look back and be grateful that things didn't work out. This isn't the case for everyone, while divorce is a major event in your life, there are so many things you can learn from it. Now I feel like I am in control of what happens in my life and I love it. 

DIVORCE CAN BE EMPOWERING

Divorce shouldn't be viewed as the end of a book, but rather the beginning of a whole new chapter. There are a lot of opportunities for new beginnings after divorce. Even when the world seems to be crashing down, know that you have the strength to get through it and stand back up again. Humans are so resilient and when we tap our inner strength, we can get over any hurdle if we stay positive and put our mind to it. This experience is my gift. It's defined the person I am today and has been the driving force behind why I do what I do. Wherever life may lead you, just know that you will always have a choice.

GOD IS GOOD

I thanked God yesterday for my divorce because it is what He used to make my faith real. My divorce is what proved me the goodness of God, and my devastation is what taught me He is trustworthy in it all. My divorce brought me closer to him. He healed me and redeemed my life and now he is using me to share hope with others who are suffering. He is real and I trust him with my whole heart. I love him and I love his plan for me.

When people find out I'm divorced, they apologize, although I appreciate their apology... I always reply with "Don't be! It happens and I'm happy!."

Even though I should be "sad" today... I'm not. I'm going to celebrate, thank my Father in Heaven, because I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm HAPPY, the happiest I've ever been. I'm excited about what the future will bring and I think the best is yet to come. It's time to just be happy. Being angry, sad and overthinking isn't worth it anymore. Just let things flow and be positive. When life gives you a hundred reasons to break down and cry, show life that you have a million reasons to smile and laugh. 

Finding happiness after divorce isn't a possibility, it's a PROBABILITY.

So cheers to new beginnings!

love, sienna