how I'm truly feeling

I have been sitting here, trying to figure out how to describe my situation and share my thoughts about what I have been experiencing over the last six months. I am not here to ask for sympathy, I'm here to simply express how I'm truly feeling. Although, I am not ready to share my story to the public yet, I don't even know if I actually will. I am ready to share with you about how I'm doing.

The last six months have been a journey, a journey that I would never wish for anyone to experience, not even my worst enemy. There have been moments of happiness and moments of where I simply felt like I couldn't survive another day. I have felt sadness, discouragement, anger, peace, comfort, hope- a wave of emotions that was and is overwhelming to handle. One thing I have felt, is the Lord's hand and his grace through out this process. I have personally felt him carrying me, when I couldn't get up or when I simply couldn't walk. I have felt him wiping away my tears and giving me strength for the upcoming months of pain that he knew I was going to experience. I HAVE FELT HIM. It's an amazing feeling, a feeling that I don't ever want to loose.

I was sitting at work one day and someone had sent me an amazing general conference talk. A talk that truly made me rethink about my situation. During this process I had read hundreds, HUNDREDS, of general conference talks on any topic that could give me comfort or to even find an answer to prayer. While receiving comfort through the talks that I had read, this specific talk spoke to me on a whole new level. "Turn to the Lord" by Elder Waddell, "We cannot control all that happens to us, but we have absolute control over how we respond to the changes in our lives." That part hit me like a rock, I was shocked with how powerful that sentence was. Although I cannot control someones actions, I can control how I respond to all of the heartache I was going through. From that day forward, I started to focus on me.

Now, you're probably wondering "Why would you focus on yourself and not your marriage? Isn't it falling apart? Shouldn't you be fighting for your marriage?" YES, but while fighting for my marriage, I stopped taking care of myself. I would go without food for days, because I was trying so hard to save something that wasn't there anymore. I was still praying for a miracle to happen, I was still going to do my best to fight for my marriage, I just wasn't going to put so much energy into it. I knew my marriage was over, but didn't want to come to terms with it.

So what did I do to start bettering myself? I started to go to counseling, which in the long run, was the best decision I have ever made for myself. In this day of age, when you say you're going through counseling, people immediately think that you are either a toxic person or that there is something wrong with you. I'm here to tell you that, that isn't true. I would 100% recommend it to anyone, even if you aren't going through something traumatic. Having someone to actually listen to my problems and understand what I was going through, was absolutely amazing. It gave me a lot of clarity and answers to prayer.

I then made a goal to go to the temple once a week and what an amazing experience that was. Whenever I was there I could physically feel Heavenly Father and my ancestors lifting me up. I needed all of the strength I could get at this point, I was struggling and suffering in silence. My family was a thousand miles away at the time, so I couldn't just run over to my parents to ask for help. Instead, I went to the temple and turned to the lord. I read my scriptures daily and prayed more then ever before.

I took time off of social media, basically had a five month "fast" from it. I needed to take a step back from my "side job" and focus on calming down the chaos in my life. A lot of social media influencers post only the highlights of their life, I was tired of seeing everyone's "perfect" lives. When mine at the time, felt like it was falling apart. Taking time off of social media was so refreshing! I felt like I had so much time on my hands and totally would do it again.

Fast forward six months later.. How am I really doing? Honestly, there are days where I want to scream and there are days where I feel at peace. Every single day is a different emotional roller coaster, but I'm here to tell you that I am and will be okay. That doesn't mean that this process isn't easy, because it's not. Divorce is the worst pain I have ever experienced. I feel free and I finally feel like I can be ME, I think that's the most important part right there.

Some are asking me, why I'm acting like everything is okay- when it's not. It's because everything IS okay. If I'm being honest, I knew that this was going to happen, I was just hoping that it wouldn't. With five months of counseling, having faith, giving it my all and going to the temple every week; it emotionally, mentally and physically prepared myself for my divorce. It prepared myself to be ready to file those stupid papers, to start living my own life again, to find true love again and prepared myself to know what I TRULY WANT out of this life and the next. I'm ready and feel confident.

People have asked me "Do you think marrying, J was a mistake?" I will honestly tell you, no. That's the honest and truthful answer, no. I don't regret marrying him and I definitely do not think that it was a mistake. Just because he chose to go this route, doesn't mean that I hate him or think he was or is a mistake. Marrying J was a blessing in disguise, no matter how much I don't want to believe it- it's true.

I'm not here to bash my ex, I'm here to give you an update. I'm not here to give you an answer as to WHY my marriage ended, the why isn't important. I'm here to share my journey, to be honest and to hopefully help any of you out there who are sincerely struggling. I'm here to share with you my GROWTH through out this difficult process and the tender mercies.

I don't know if and WHEN I'll be sharing my story. All I do know is that I need to trust in the Lord's timing and his grace, because with God- all things are possible.

to be continued...